I always try and stay calm but there are some days when the background noise in my brain is just beyond the powers of my masking. It has been a long time since I developed a very “DO” attitude. You know, just not think about – DO it. There are days like today though, on which I sit down and feel like plucking my hair out in pure insanity because the volume of the things that need me is beyond comprehension. Every day I wonder if maybe, if I start doing homework the day it is assigned, I’ll probably do better in a class, or maybe if I leave my wallet at home everyday, I’ll begin to realize the importance of “saving”. Then I wonder when my bills are due. Why, I don’t want a delinquent account. Delinquent accounts are no good, they hurt your credit. Can’t hurt your credit, need to keep applying for loans the next two semesters. No loans means no fee payments, leads to no education, no end to the battle I picked. Maybe I should pay my bills in class, but what about lecture. I can’t take my ears off lecture. Yeah but what about the official stuff at the University Office, resolving my exam time conflicts – I need to take those letters to my instructors. But when? I get out at 5:30 pm – offices are closed. Well, let’s miss class, Can’t miss class. Chris Fugger keeps giving homework from class notes. Why does he do that, I don’t know – he just does. What about recitation quizzes. Can’t miss out on those. Tuesday Thursday are booked. Counselors are only free on Monday Wednesday and Friday. I called. I checked. What about Friday. You have an hour free from 2:30-3:30. No I gotta print my homework plots in that hour. My friends need me. Ditch the friends. Can’t do that. Won’t ditch my friends. They always have my back, can’t abandon them. What about your health. What’re you gonna eat tonight. Don’t know. I want to cook something. You have no time. Gonna take a nap after class today. Can’t, have online homework due at 10pm. Why don’t you finish homework early. Great, I’ll do that. But what about my meeting. They’re waiting. Should I ditch them? What about the Arabic vocabulary. I never memorize it. Then I emerge strong after exams. It seems like I don’t give a shit about that class. Need to stop stacking 80% in the quizzes. Gota do better Reema, Andrew has a 100 on all of his. He’s taking the A, don’t let the A go away. You need the A, you need all the A’s. You gotta have something to show. Those A’s look good. But where are those A’s. They’re disappearing. Why. Because you sleep those four hours in the day. You take a day off every two weeks – you went out with your friend(s). Stop doing it? No I can’t. I’m human. I can’t stop sleeping, eating, relaxing. What am I gonna do. I have 19 credits. I have five aero courses. I have a language class getting harder by the day. Is there anything else I can do. I don’t know. I’m trying to survive. I wanna do well. What does it mean to do well. Maybe you should stop being so fucking calm. Maybe you should freak the fuck out every instant you can. There, is that helping? IS THAT HELPING? freak out!!! No it’s not helping. I think I’m doing the best I can.